Friday, November 28, 2003
When everything around you feels slightly disconnected and the one thing that would make it feel connected will never come back, it's rough.
I woke up this morning from a dream and tried to slide downstairs casually and peek out the front curtains.
The dream didn't come true. I never really expected it to.
Isn't that the way it is so often?
Sometimes at the end of a day, I'm left with these pink cut out dreams that are in a million pieces and I try to sort of string them together and make sense out of the shapes. At points I cry over them and at points I get frustrated. It takes a deep breath and a look into my Father's eyes and it starts to make sense again. Even if it doesn't make sense, it hurts a little less. I call Lauren and tell her exactly how I'm feeling. She validates those feelings and loves on me, even from 2,000 miles away.
Sometimes my dreams at the end of the day are bright red and shiny satin and God's love is written all over them so brightly that I can hardly see the dreams because of His glory. That's the way it should be.
Funny how the pink cut up dreams are the ones that I create on my own, and push His hands away from. And the red shiny dreams are the ones that He writes and I hold onto with both hands and a heart full of faith.
It doesn't mean I can't still get paper cuts from my pink dreams. But it means that I probably didn't expect them to succeed in the first place.
My only success is found in the dreams in which God's glory shines.
. celebrate . `@ 1:18 AM
Thursday, November 27, 2003
There are some days you smile and some you don't.
And some days you sleep until 1 and eat a lot of food and watch TV with your mom, and visit your friends from high school.
And make a list of your 63 favorite things.
And realize how much you have to be thankful for.
Some days you realize that you can be more thankful for the fact that he isn't here when he should be than if he were here and he shouldn't be.
Some days are better than others. And some aren't.
Sometimes the fact that you're home and about to watch the Britney Spears interview with your sister is all that matters.
Some days are today.
. celebrate . `@ 1:12 AM
